Geeks don’t drink harder. We drink smarter.
Remind us: who showed you an oversized martini glass that holds a drink so large, it would almost guarantee a blackout? We did. Who sang the praises of the pocket Breathalyzer that not only told you just how many sheets to the wind you were, but also just what toll it had taken on your breath? We did. Now, answer this: who’s going to show you just exactly what will get you drunker faster and cheaper?
That’s right. We’ve got this.
Glancing over our shoulders toward history, we’ve spied a road to one resourceful buzz-on. This DIY juice alcoholic drink kit will turn your juice to hooch, and turn your casa into the low-budget fiesta that never stops. Get yourself a 64-ounce bottle of the fruit juice of your choice; pour in one of the six included yeast shots; seal the airlock top and give the blend of yeast, organic evaporated cane juice and emulsifier 48 hours to turn the juice’s fructose to carbonation and alcohol. In two days’ time, you will be reveling in the bounty of your very own boozy beverage packing an up to 14% alcohol by volume kick in the head.
This is a simple but very, very old fermentation method traditionally producing what is known in Germany as “Federweisser” (“white wine”) and in Austria as “Sturm” (or “storm,” for its commonly cloudy appearance). Actually, those authentic vintages traditionally only result in 4-10% alcohol by volume – not quite the whollop this kit’s finished product could deliver! The genuine articles produced in Europe for over a century often have a flavor akin to light grape soda or sparkling wine, but by all means: toy with flavors. Age some heavy-duty hard apple cider, or try some OJ and create an electrifying orange juice that’s a little more Black & Decker power-drill than simple screwdriver.
Every DIY juice alcoholic drink kit contains six bottle labels, one airlock, one rubber stopper, recipes and six packets of simple, magical, fermenting-then-inebriating science.
“Eating” and “drinking” is for chumps with time for meaningless dull crap like “chewing” and “swallowing.” Go ahead – inhale dessert. Suck it right down. Seriously, kids – go nuts!
Sure, coffee and chocolate taste magnificent. They’re intoxicatingly rich and distinctly sensual indulgences that stir senses like so much cream and sugar in so very much java. Alas, though, everyone pays those pipers sometime. Chocolate’s soothing wave of rich flavor also brings in with the tide calories that will hang about the waist and tell a tale of vices, and slaves to them. Coffee? Don’t tell The Sleepless One about its Lazerus-like rejuvenation. For that matter, let’s not tell The Sleepless One all about crashing like a 12-car pile-up preceded by about three pots of coffee in 24 hours. You might as well give water to a drowning man.
Now, take Le Whif Coffee & Chocolate Inhalers. Each 100-percent biodegradable tube inhaler accompanies three 300-mg packs of your choice of coffee or chocolate; the chocolate three-pack includes one flavor-pack each of raspberry, mint and milk chocolate. Each puff from the inhaler delivers a 40-80 mg chocolate or coffee blast that settles across the taste buds (never down the lungs, mind you) and lets the flavor kick the joneses with a cost of less than a single calorie. Dieters and chocolate/coffee-loving smokers, whatever the vice, this is your quick flavor fix to choke out whatever habit fights you kicking and screaming.
Probably best of all, your fixes will never again mean interrupting your day’s rhythm with a single quick Le Whif. Can you make time to breathe? Then you can make time to Whif.
Call me crazy, call me kinky, Heaven knows I’ve been called a little of both – but might the post-coital cigarette have met its match, and perhaps been replaced by a couple of shared chocolate inhalers instead?
Le Hmmm …
Such curious things, our taste buds. Neither nature nor man has ever devised such a perfect, discerning filter. Whenever a substance touches those 2,000 to 8,000 miniscule buds that cover every tongue, soft palate, upper esophagus and epiglottis, those sensitive nodes take less than a heartbeat to deliver taste sensations coded as “salty”, “sweet”, “bitter”, “sour” or “umami” (which is a much more fun way to say “savory”), and describe each sensation’s balance and intensity. What we know as “taste” is really more akin to a sensory fingerprint. Now imagine if you could forge a fingerprint just by swapping out the ink. That, folks, is the power of the miracle berry.
Granted, the West African fruit Synsepalum dulcificum derives its casual moniker probably as much from the unique sweetness-indicating protein miraculin that bonds with taste buds as its near instant taste bud trickery. Nevertheless, the patrons of a “flavor tripping” party chronicled by no less than the New York Times swirled a mouthful of seeds from a berry in their mouths for a minute or so, then described Guinness-drowned lemon sorbet as tasting like a chocolate shake, and splashes of tabasco sauce tasting like “hot donut glaze.” Miraculous? Dubbing it the savory equal of water-to-wine seems hardly a stretch!
There’s always a catch, though: single miracle berries have a typical $2 market price, explaining why the party the Times covered had a $15 cover charge. But hope springs eternal! Just half of one of these Miracle Fruits Tablets will launch taste buds into an hour-long altered state wherein sweet foods like oranges will possess an enhanced, positively divine sweetness – and the sourest lemons and limes one could bite into will taste as sweet as candy. An entire miracle berry tablet will guarantee a still more intense experience, but as each package contains ten tablets, less could truly be more – especially since sharing is caring.
Imagine the applications! The challenges of stomaching healthy-but-horrid-tasting foods could be dashed by a single miracle fruit supplement. One can’t help but wonder the wonders that await one who combines these little tablets with a sack of the Harry Potter inspired “Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavored Beans”. Hmmm … From “booger” to “blueberry”? That’s positively miraculous.
DIY Juice to Alcohol Kit ($9.99)
