Gifts for Geeks

Air Bazooka

by Dr. Tomorrow on May 2, 2011 · 0 comments

I’m a gentle, peaceful kind of guy, as many tech-geeks are. Yet there are times when someone I run into provokes me and stokes my fires of anger until I feel “I just want to shoot that jerk!” Of course, bullets hurt, felony convictions tend to put a damper on one’s online gaming time, and, seriously: do you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of a carpet? So I grind my teeth, swallow my anger and think to myself “next time …”

Well, good news, folks: “next time” is now! With the AirZooka air bazooka, you have all the satisfaction of shooting that unpleasant someone who is pushing your buttons, without using a dangerous projectile, for the AirZooka shoots nothing more harmful than a cyclonic blast of air! Yep, that’s right – you can send an atmospheric swirl at a target over 20 feet away; it even comes with a laser sight for pin-point accuracy. And hey – there’s no incriminating ammunition residue: even the geniuses at C.S.I. can’t run a test for AirZooka air gun firing!

Of course, annoying pests are hardly the only target for your new AirZooka,. You can tousle-at-a-distance the hair of that Miss (or Mister) Priss two cubicles over who spends 4 hours on hair styling. Want to mess with a drowsy friend half-asleep on the futon? Send a mini-tornado at them from across the room. And while I certainly don’t advocate animal cruelty, I can’t wait to send a blast of air at whichever of my cats woke me up at 2:47 this morning by chewing my hair.

So, get yourself an AirZooka bazooka and begin your atmospheric reign of terror. Or better yet, get two and have apocalyptic battles with the breeziest of elements!

AirZooka Air Gun ($12.99)

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Cthulhu Bobblehead

by Sleepless Colin on May 2, 2011 · 1 comment

in: Geek Novelties

Oh, bobbleheads. Do your whimsies know an end? See those planetoid-sized noggins weeble wobble to and fro, back and forth, side to side and try keeping a dour expression. I double dares ya! That being said, I consider anything that would bait me or anyone else into laughing before the visage of the greatest of the Great Old Ones a sick, sick entrapment.

If one can’t tell, Cthulhu is a little something of a patron saint here in the Palace of Geekdom, to whom we pay most frequent homage. That isn’t by choice. Our patron saint was first a big mischievous St. Bernard named Schubert but Cthulhu ate it. Then it was going to be the cast of St. Elsewhere – kind of a “dramatic ensemble of saints” thing – but Cthulhu ate them too. We hoped after that debacle, he’d be so full that he couldn’t devour 1980′s sitcom star Susan St. James. We were wrong.

But I think it’s panned out. When we’re working hard but not hard enough, Cthulhu makes us snap-to. At the Geek Gems Home Office and its three Midwest satellite locations, destractions abound. Mass Effect 2 and Dragon Age are SRS BZNS. So is The Office. And Archer. And always Twitter. But when production flags as we reach for remote controls, games and controllers, we meet the Great Old One’s amber-eyed visage as that comically unstable noggin wobbles emphatically side to side as if to warn us one last time, “Don’t even think about it! MOAR comical underpants! MOAR British sci-fi inspired kitchenwares! MOAR Wayne’s World! MOAR!”

Which is why we have a proposal, and to quash rumors, it is not borne of a certain demigod’s hinting that failure will result in the eating of a New Orleans-based football team: bigger Cthulhu bobble heads! Six-foot ones! Seems that green gentleman thinks with one good stare down and a wild nod of his tentacle chin from the House floor, he could have Congress not just balancing a budget but personally apologizing at every American household’s doorstep.

You’ll believe in change. Or else.

Cthulhu Bobblehead Doll ($12.99)

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Miracle Fruits Tablets

by Sleepless Colin on April 28, 2011 · 0 comments

in: Geek Edibles

Such curious things, our taste buds. Neither nature nor man has ever devised such a perfect, discerning filter. Whenever a substance touches those 2,000 to 8,000 miniscule buds that cover every tongue, soft palate, upper esophagus and epiglottis, those sensitive nodes take less than a heartbeat to deliver taste sensations coded as “salty”, “sweet”, “bitter”, “sour” or “umami” (which is a much more fun way to say “savory”), and describe each sensation’s balance and intensity. What we know as “taste” is really more akin to a sensory fingerprint. Now imagine if you could forge a fingerprint just by swapping out the ink. That, folks, is the power of the miracle berry.

Granted, the West African fruit Synsepalum dulcificum derives its casual moniker probably as much from the unique sweetness-indicating protein miraculin that bonds with taste buds as its near instant taste bud trickery. Nevertheless, the patrons of a “flavor tripping” party chronicled by no less than the New York Times swirled a mouthful of seeds from a berry in their mouths for a minute or so, then described Guinness-drowned lemon sorbet as tasting like a chocolate shake, and splashes of tabasco sauce tasting like “hot donut glaze.” Miraculous? Dubbing it the savory equal of water-to-wine seems hardly a stretch!

There’s always a catch, though: single miracle berries have a typical $2 market price, explaining why the party the Times covered had a $15 cover charge. But hope springs eternal! Just half of one of these Miracle Fruits Tablets will launch taste buds into an hour-long altered state wherein sweet foods like oranges will possess an enhanced, positively divine sweetness – and the sourest lemons and limes one could bite into will taste as sweet as candy. An entire miracle berry tablet will guarantee a still more intense experience, but as each package contains ten tablets, less could truly be more – especially since sharing is caring.

Imagine the applications! The challenges of stomaching healthy-but-horrid-tasting foods could be dashed by a single miracle fruit supplement. One can’t help but wonder the wonders that await one who combines these little tablets with a sack of the Harry Potter inspired “Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavored Beans”. Hmmm … From “booger” to “blueberry”? That’s positively miraculous.

Miracle Berries Tablets ($15)

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Space Invaders Arcade Cake

by Scarlett on April 25, 2011 · 0 comments

in: Home, Kitchen & Garden

When I was a youngin, I had a lot of themed birthday cakes. Although my visions of cakey goodness were never particularly grandiose, my mom could do wonderful things with vanilla batter, chocolate frosting, piped icing and sprinkles. One thing I never did celebrate a la birthday cake was my fondness for video games, however. Maybe it was deemed too “boyish”, maybe I wanted to fit in with my modest posse by having the requisite girly nosh to go with the bubblegum pink decorations and games of “Truth or Dare”. But had I been a little more wise to my future gamer-geek persuasions, this Space Invaders style arcade cake would have been so up my alley!

Not only is the arcade cake shape delicious on its own, but I love the idea of filling the inside of the cake, rather than heaping layers of frosting outside. Even if your less hip friends have no clue about retro gaming classics of the 80′s, this cake still has lots of fun, geeky style to spare. And who says it has to be for birthdays? Ladies, whip up your new man an arcade cake and watch him exclaim over your ingenuity. Talk about going for the high “score”! ;)

Retro Arcade Cake Mold ($14.99)

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Unique Perfumes and Colognes

by Sleepless Colin on April 24, 2011 · 1 comment

in: Geek Novelties

Gentlemen and ladies, please agree upon this much: to a certain extent, we don’t wear cologne and perfume for ourselves. No, we adorn ourselves with those meticulously blended and balanced aromas hoping that the memories, emotions, feelings and intense sensations they we hope evoke – more often than not, of the amorous persuasion – will capture first the mind by mesmerizing the senses, then slowly perhaps a heart as an association grows between the unique intoxication of scent and us.

Demeter Fragrance Library went a very simple route and designed fragrances you’ll enjoy wearing just for yourself, but that do what decades of pretentious, overly-artsy advertisements shilling CK1 and White Diamonds never, ever have: they actually tell you exactly what the stuff smells like!

It works a little like the 1996 John Travolta hit Michael. Travolta played the titular archangel, who could adapt his scent to imitate whatever aromas evoke a person’s warmest, most comforting memories, putting especially women who encountered him at ease within a cozy comfort zone – even more so when he’s in heat. So where do you want this most powerful and influential of the five senses to take you? If you’re seeking the on-ramp for the expressway to the most cherished bits of your childhood, just spray and sniff just a hint of the cotton candy, crayon or Junior Mints fragrances. The latter sounds particularly sweet and sensual, with its cool, balanced blend of peppermint, wild mint, cocoa bean, vanilla and dark chocolate.

Personally, for as much as polite society champions the gentleman wearing the subtle (but over-priced) fragrances that blend aromatic hints of leather and sawdust, a man just needs to smell like a man. Save the guess-work with expensive brands. Pick up the fragrances of whiskey/tobacco, fresh dirt or even sawdust itself, and truly smell how a man is meant to.

Or if you just want a unique scent that makes an entire room crave Funyons and ice cream, try the cannabis flower scent. Described as “slightly floral, slightly spicy,” this fragrance has a “deep and penetrating attraction.” Not to be worn – or, better yet, probably not brought anywhere near – an airport. May get you lucky at a Dave Matthews Band concert. You may never get Snoop Dogg and Charlie Sheen off your doorstep.

Smells like winning to me!

Demeter Fragrance Library Colognes ($19.99)

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